Aborted Women: In Their Own Words

Until mommy can one day hold you again ...

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This is still a deep, dark secret from my past, that only those I have confided in know. So I would prefer this to be kept anonymous.

I was 20 years old, dating a military man during the Persian Gulf War. We had been dating for two years, but our relationship had not reached the "definite permanent" stage yet. I was attending college. We thought he could not have children. My frame of mind was such that I thought I could not get pregnant because of that fact.

WOW were we wrong. I hoped that I was wrong when I discovered I was late. I cried and cried. We were visiting my "mother in law to be" out of state. She asked, "What's wrong?" So much did I want to tell her!! If I had, I would have kept that little one.

We were so scared. I had always told my boyfriend if I ever got pregnant that we could not have it, but after I found out I was -- even though I was so scared -- I wanted that baby.

I had no support. My close friends were going through trials of their own. My boyfriend felt that we had already made the decision. I knew if we had the child he would feel "trapped". I felt that I had NO options. I was emotional (which I am not usually). I was lost. I felt I had nowhere to turn. I didn't know where to seek counseling; didn't want anyone to know; was just completely lost.

I tried to talk my bofriend out of it, and I wish I could have been stronger because I wanted that baby so much. More than life itself. But I was not strong enough on my own at 20 years old ... like I am now at 27 ... I thought everyone else's point of view counted; that my parents would be so disappointed; that I would never finish college; that I was not sure this was who I wanted to marry. I had so many thoughts on why NOT to have the child. We even made a list of why to have and not to have the child. The list to have the child was not very long but the list NOT to have it was SO long ... Afterwards I realized that did not matter: Wanting the child is reason enough to have it. You need no other reason.

Afterwards, I cried for weeks and months. I would have done anything to have that baby. It no longer mattered to me -- so what if everyone knew I had a baby unmarried? So what if I never had that big wedding? So what if my parents were disappointed? The rest could be worked out. I could have finished college, and so on.

It was not the end of the world to be pregnant as I thought it was at the time. It was scary, but it would not have been the end of the world to have that child at that time. I thought it was though.

At the clinic, they called my name. I felt so vulnerable. I said I had to go to the bathroom. I wanted to run; I wanted to save that baby; I wanted to get back in my clothes. But I did not know how or where to go. I didn't think I could at that point in time. I had no one to turn to.

If you know someone pregnant, let them make their own decision but be there for them. Let them know you care.

I called a pregnancy crisis center when I was pregnant and I said I was looking for places to get abortions. The lady was extremely rude and said "WE DON'T DO THAT HERE" and hung up. If she had truly cared, she would have offered to talk to me. Maybe it would have changed my mind? Who knows? But she did not take the time to care. She did not try to reach out to me in my crisis. And that is one of the only ones who could have helped me.

Looking back, I would have had the child. I have no doubts. I have gone on to have children and love them dearly but no child can ever replace the one that I lost. Forever will that child be in my heart. Forever will I think of that child.

After my "term" I finished college, got married and promptly had a baby.

The grief and sadness I have endured in the past seven or so years is beyond comprehension. I have never "gotten over it". I would give anything (still) to go back in time and fix it all. I would have that child.

That child is all I thought about for months and months. My intense feelings to have a child endured, and my firstborn was born two years after that first child was due.

God Bless and hold that child -- until mommy can one day hold you again. I love you little one.

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Posted 12 Sep 2000.

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