Aborted Women: In Their Own Words

Can't Show the Pain

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I have just turned 15 years old and I'm in the 9th grade. Never in my life have I thought I would go through the first trimester of a pregnancy before I even have my driver's liscence or graduate high school. My situation was really hard and I've never handled going through hard times well so I've been concered about how I take this for some time now.

My story starts with meeting a 17-year-old boy named Larry from a mutual friend. One night after going to a party my friend and I went over to his house. We ended up sleeping together and I didn't really want to because I felt bad about him having a girlfriend. But I was drinking and it ended up happening. Larry began to call me and one night he asked me if i wanted to come out. It was really late and my mom was in bed so I climbed out the window and met him down the road. I knew Larry never cared much for me but I felt good whenever I was with him. He constantly flattered me and even though I knew it was all just sweet talking it still made me feel good. We began to see each other for about a month. As stupid as it was, we never once used protection because I never thought it would happen to me.

On Christmas Eve this year, I had to do some last minute shopping and decided to buy a pregnacy test. It turned out positive but I wasn't sure if I took it completly right or not. Two days later I went away to visit family for a week and my period never came. I tried to deny it but deep down inside I could tell there was something going on inside me. When I got back into town I bought another pregnancy test and it came out positive. So I decided to tell our mutual friend about it. I had no one I could really talk to because none of my friends really knew I had even been having sex with Larry considering he had a girlfriend that went to our school. She told me that I should let her tell him because it was his responsibility too and it wasn't only right that he help me out. I decided to let her tell him considering she had known him longer. I expected him to not care and be a jerk about it but he was cool about it and told me he would help me out in anyway he could.

I had no idea what I was going to do. I was too scared to tell my mom. A few weeks later she had suspicions but I didn't deny it. There wasnt anything I could do and I really wanted my mom to know so I could have some kind of comfort. Larry still agreed to pay half because he knew it was his responsibility too. Deep down inside me, even though I was not ready for a baby and no one could know about this preganancy or who it was by, I didn't want to have an abortion.I didn't believe it was right to hurt the innocent life inside me. From the day I found out I developed a love instantly for the life inside me. It was like an instinct.

At the end of January of this year, my mom took me to get the abortion done. I was upset the whole time. The whole time I had to wait all I could do was think and cry. I went through all the blood work and ultrasound and counseling but when I got into the room I was so scared. I was shaking and crying so much that the doctor couldn't complete the procedure. He advised me that if I was going to go through with it I would have to be put to sleep which wasn't available in the state I live in. I had already had to travel an hour and a half away and the nearest place that offered the sedative abortion was 3 - 4 hours away so I didn't know how my mom would feel about that. I waited another week and a half and my mom and her boyfriend took me to the other place in another state. I remember falling into the sleep. It was so relaxing and I felt like I was getting away from everything. When I woke up not even 10 minutes later, everything was different. There was no longer a life inside of me. I felt I had betrayed the trust that every unborn child has in its mother. That night we stayed in a hotel room and returned home the next morning. No one knew the truth of where I went or why I went there so I had to act as if everything was okay. I still today feel guilty and always wonder what it would be like if I would have chose another option.

It's been three weeks since my abortion and it still seems like everything reminds me. In school I have to take a sex ed course and weve been talking about fetus development and pregancy. I want to get upset so bad but I can't because others will ask what's wrong and I can't answer honestly. I just want to get over it and get on with my life but I feel so selfish and that it's only fair that I shouldn't. I never wanted to get it done and though I know it was probably best I can't help but feel guilty.

I want to thank you for letting me share my story because there isn't hardly anyone that I have to talk about it with. The ones who I can talk about it with are there but they truly can't understand where I am coming from. Once again I thank you and I wish anyone else luck that is going through the similar pain as me and remember you aren't alone.

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Posted 12 Sep 2000.

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