Aborted Women: In Their Own Words

They said they would be there for me

by Tricia K.
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A year and 9 days ago today I had an abortion.

I didn't want to, but I didn't feel that I had a choice. My boyfriend and I were only together for a year and his parents hated me for reasons that I don't even know. His parents are Christians, so am I, but I'm not as closed minded about things as they are.

I remember the day I found out, my boyfriend came over with the test and I was so scared. I was only 16 and he was 20. After I came out of the bathroom I didn't waste any time, I looked and I saw two lines. I looked at my boyfriend and started to cry. He told me that I knew what I had to do. I cried even more. I wasn't crying because I didn't want my baby, I was crying because I knew there was no way that I could do this, with or without him.

I told him that I didn't want to kill my baby so we agreed to put it up for adoption. That idea only lasted for two days. One night he took me out to dinner and after dinner we went to his brother's house where to my surprise all of his brothers were there, all 5 of them with their wives. I felt alone at that point, I knew what was going on. They all sat in front of David and me and told us that they loved us and didn't want me to suffer, they would be there for me and help me through the difficult time I was about to face. I felt obligated to do it. And I didn't know I was going to be alone.

On our way home that night I decided to do it. I considered the fact that his parents would only hate me more and I would never be anything to them, except the girl who ruined their son's life. I also took into consideration that his mother had just gotten out of the hospital, and news like this would greatly upset her. But I put my feelings on hold to make everyone else happy.

So I agreed to it. David was so happy. I cried without him knowing, or maybe he did know, but didn't care. I told him that I wasn't going to be able to call the clinic, so he had his sister-in-law help. She also drove us there.

That day I told myself, through the 30 minute drive, that I was going to get a pelvic exam, that's all. When we got there I tried to joke around to keep my mind off of the idea that I was about to have my baby killed. My boyfirend, being the kind guy that he is, paid the extra $25 to have me asleep. So I went in and laid there. The doctor came in to give me something to put me asleep. The next thing I know is that I'm laying in a bed next to other girls. Then a nurse came to my side and I asked, "Is it over?" She said yes, and I started to cry. Just like that, my baby was gone. She tried to stop me from crying, but I couldn't. She said that if I wanted to go home I would have to. So I did. When I was walking out of the clinic I felt sick and I threw up.

On the way home I tried to sleep, but I couldn't. David went out and got me some food at Jack in the Box, but I didn't eat. I didn't even want him to be there. This is someone who is supposed to love me and not want me to hurt, but I didn't feel that he cared. I was the one pregnant and I was the one who had to go through the pain of giving my baby up. Killing our baby. But David was a lot happier.

When my dad got home from work he told me that all day he was hoping I wouldn't go through with it. But I tried to be strong and not let my father know I was dying inside. It worked, too, until my mother came around. I can't hide anything from my mother so we cried together.

A couple of days later I called David at work because I hadn't seen him for a while. I started to cry and he told me he was tired of me crying all the time and he told me to grow up. Then his brother got on the phone, the same brother who told me that he loved me and didn't want me to suffer, and told me not to call David anymore he doesn't want a girl like me, he could do better. It was too much. I said alright and hung up.

For 3 weeks I didn't tell any of my friends. Then one day I broke down, it hurt not being able to tell my friends the truth because I didn't want them to lose respect for me or think that I was stupid for listening to David. I felt better, and they stuck by me.

For six months I didn't talk to David. Then one day he called and hung up on me and I dialed *69, but the phone was busy. For some reason I knew it was him so I paged him and he called back and hung up, but before he could hang up I heard the pager go off. I started to laugh and called his work. We talked for a while and he said he missed me. After work we went to a park. It was really strange, we both had changed so much in those 6 months. To me, though, it has helped me to become the person that I have always wanted to be, and without mistakes you can't change or become a stronger person. But I also think that no one should have to go through the pain. I mean it's bad enough to have an abortion, but to be all alone afterwards is wrong and very scary. What happened to all those guys that cared, that loved a girl so much, and left because he didn't know what to do? Do they really think we know what to do? We are as much in the dark about these things as they are. But it's our responsibility because we are the ones who are carrying their children. Children shouldn't be a burden. They're a blessing.

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Posted 12 Sep 2000.

Copyright 1998 by Tricia K. Used with permission.
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