Aborted Women: In Their Own Words

Only in my Heart and Soul

by Robin J.
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It was a fall day when I came home from high school, my mom started yelling at me about my room being a mess, and then started in on when my last period was. I had taken a pregnancy test and it came out positive, but I was in denial. She made me go to Planned Parenthood and get a blood test to confirm it. I already knew.

Then she told my dad, and together they said horrible things to my boyfriend and me (husband now), and said either marriage or abortion. I had just become a junior in high school, my boyfriend had graduated that year. I was still in denial and tried to avoid my parents and the subject in general. My boyfriend never really said much, friends didn't know, except one who had a baby the previous year. I asked her mom to talk to my mom on the phone. My mom told her to mind her own business.

I had no support from anyone, and I didn't have a clue how to handle this. I certainly didn't want to marry at age 17, but knew abortion was so wrong. One night a few weeks later, I came home from a date with my boyfriend and mom was sitting in the living room in the dark, and said, "You are having an abortion at 9:00 am tomorrow." I said nothing and went to my room. A long night, I kept trying to find a solution in my mind.

I signed papers hesitantly, my boyfriend paying, my mom just sitting there. After it was over, my mom came in the back recovery room and put her arm around me. I wished she would have done that earlier, when pregnant with her grandchild, when I really needed it. I felt such hate for her and everybody, but mostly her, she was my mom and should have protected me. The whole experience had never been spoken of. That was in December of 1984.

All along, it was as if it was a nightmare and never really happened, but I knew otherwise. I had a deep permanent wound and went through the "if onlys" inside me, not ever speaking of it, couldn't even think of it without getting tears. It is a huge regret in my life. But I cannot change the past. My husband has never spoken of it, even though I have mentioned it a few times. I have no idea how he feels, but I do know he wouldn't have picked abortion or marriage at that time. Our baby would have just had its 13th birthday this July of 1998. It has been that long and I am finally coming around to writing or talking a little about it. I am involved with childbirth, working with a midwife helping women to have a gentle birth experience. It must be my calling, I have this attachment to pregnancy, birth and everything surrounding it.

I wrote a poem recently. Here it is:

Sweet little one, I have always loved you,
From the beginning of your time
In my heart and soul.
Words cannot express the sorrow,
Regret and loneliness.
Nothing can change the past.
December is hard, Jesus took you
As his precious gift that month.
You suffered for our selfishness.
A decision out of ignorance, stupidity,
Always unforgivable, never spoken of,
Except inside myself where you will
Always be with me, sweet little one.
I think of you often, in July you age, but only
In only in my heart and soul.
There was a purpose for your being.
You have strengthened me in ways I
Am just now discovering.
You have taught me to not be vulnerable,
And to rely on instinct and self instead of others.
You have given me the passion for loving
And respecting the unborn.
You are putting me on a path that I don't yet know.
You and I know each other like
No one ever will.
I hold you in a special place in my
Heart and mind, where nobody can ever
Take you away, sweet little one.
We will meet again some day, but until then,
You remain only
In my heart and soul.

Thank you for listening. I'm glad someone finally did.

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Posted 12 Sep 2000.

Copyright 1998 by Robin J. Used with permission.
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