Aborted Women: In Their Own Words

Spare Yourself the Hurt

by Mary M.
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I come from an unhappy home. My father was an alchoholic and my mother was depressed and submissive to him in all his unmanly, abusive behaviors. I left home as soon as I graduated from high school in 1979 at the age of 18 in order to get away from them; within 3 weeks I met and moved in with a man. Out of the frying pan and into the fire!! This man was an alchoholic too. We were married and after the short honeymoon phase my young husband started to abuse me emotionally. I left him after 5 years; I was not in great shape.

I moved to a different city and fell in with the 'creme de la creme' alternative art/music scene, as it was known at the time. The majority (but not all) of this group of people found their own brand of justification by living on the edge which meant out of control drinking, drug use and a complete rejection of the Judeo/Christian ethic. I embraced this behavior and I soon found myself pregnant after a night with some good looking wretch. I didn't consider any other way out than abortion. I sobbed like a maniac after I woke up from the operation and then put the memory away. I acknowledged that it was sad but I did not believe in the Absolute in any form. Somebody later said it must have been the effects of the anesthetic that made me cry(!)

"Yes", I thought, "clearly I have come through with flying colours and have been delivered from my problem. Then I immediately became a lesbian!! One of the challenges lesbianism posed was that the orientation wasn't authentic in me. As a result I drank more heavily than ever. 3 years later I rejected this false identity I had taken for myself but continued to avoid men.

The drinking and raucous behavior was to continue for a while longer and at the first male encounter in years I became pregnant for the second time. I had another abortion and became very upset during the procedure (awake this time). Afterwards I was more self-aware and I was nagged with the thought that I had done something very bad. "It's just your conditioning" my friend said. Actually, I had grown up as an atheist and relativist and had never been against abortion. My friend had been brought up in a Catholic home and so it was her "conditioning" that was giving her unwelcome feelings. If only I had had a crack at some conditioning that could have fought with my enormous selfishness and fear!

That was 5 years ago. 3 years ago I had a religious conversion experience and as one result I have realized the magnitude of my acts and have sought forgiveness. I didn't know what life was before and our culture of death had nothing true or useful to tell me about life. But nothing is finally lost, Thank God. Thank God too that I have been able to discard the false and deadly view of the pro-choice camp.

I would beg anyone who may read this to be heroic if she is unhappily pregnant and have the baby. You will spare the life of a human being and spare yourself the hurt of committing a very grave act that you can never undo.

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Posted 12 Sep 2000.

Copyright 1998 by Ohio Right to Life
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