Aborted Women: In Their Own Words

Multiply Abused

by Linda E
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If by telling my story I keep one person from doing what I did then this is worth it.

I was 18 years old barely. I had grown up in an abusive home. My step father was very controlling and took his anger out on my sister and me. For a long time we would get a beating everyday. Or be knocked down or beaten with a two by four or just kicked with his foot. A lot of times for no apparent reason. If he didn't have one he'd find a reason.

Anyway I was dating this guy that was a lot older than me. He was 24 to my 17 and I was very naive. I was terrified of the male gender. I grew up believing you had to do everything they told you or you would get punished. And Rick was no different than my step dad. It all came to a head one day though. My step dad took me to his room and stripped all my clothes off and beat me nude only I can't remember everything, which I guess is good. But anyway at that point my boyfriend Rick was pressuring me to run away with him. And I was just as scared of him as I was of my step dad, for you see he raped me and I was too afraid to tell anyone because I thought I would get beat for letting him do that to me. So I said nothing to anyone. My step dad stripped me and Rick raped me the same week causing me much confusion and fear. This led me to make a very bad decision by running from home.

Once I got to Indiana where Rick had some kin folk, reality set in and the abuse with him started. For you see he was an alcoholic and I didn't know. So when he got drunk he beat me and slept with me. And being very young I didn't know what to do. In the process of all this I got pregnant.

My mom found out where I was and asked me to come home and so I thought things would be different when I came back home. I was scared and didn't know what to do. So I got on an airplane and came home. Of course my step dad was very cold to me and hardly spoke. I later found out that when I had left that he had held a gun up to my younger sister's head and demanded she tell him where I was. But she didn't know because I didn't tell her, because I knew he would try to scare her into telling him. Only I didn't know he would go that far. (It may sound like we came from a poor home but actually we were middle class people.)

Anyway back to the pregnancy, after I came home my mom found out I was pregnant and told my step dad and he confronted me with it, and so I told him yes I was pregnant. He then told me if I kept the baby I had to get out of the house and never come back. Now where was going to go? I had no idea. I was so scared. Next thing I know my mom is taking me to the doctor and I'm getting my first exam, which was no picnic.

The doctor never conferred with me, only my mom. And I don't know what she told him. I wasn't given any information on what they were going to do or how. I was just taken in and taken care of, as they put it. I was never given the choice of whether I would want to allow adoption or anything. I don't think I ever cried for my baby, I just pretended it never happened, every time it came to my mind I would just block it out and think about something else. Only once do I remember my mom asking me if I was ok, but I just lied to her and told her yes I was fine even though inside I was dying. And I didn't know how to fix it or what to do about it.

I say all this hoping that if you are thinking about having an abortion, consider the consequences. Not only at conception is a baby formed in the womb, but a soul is planted in that tiny body. So who has the right to kill a human being or send a soul to heaven before their time? My heart aches for my would-have-been first born child. I often wonder what he would look like. If he would have liked baseball, like my son I now have does. Or if she were a girl what she would look like, and what Barbie would have been her favorite. I'll never know because I was robbed of that beautiful gift. Children are so precious, please consider your decision very seriously because it is a lifetime decision.

While writing this letter I had to stop for a while because it was too emotional for me to go any farther. I've had to go before the Lord for healing in this area. In other words I had to eat a lot of carpet. I did a lot of crying for the baby I never cried for, the Lord made me face it. I got angry at my mom for not being there for me. Because I thought mom's were supposed to protect you. But now the anger is gone, I love my mom and I forgive her. At that time she was living in her own hell on earth. The thing that has helped me in getting over my baby is that God revealed to me that I would someday see my baby in heaven and he is taking care of him/her for me. I praise God for his healing hands, for he come down from heaven and wrapped his arms around me! He can do that for you too. He loves us all! He will forgive us of our sins. All of our sins! He will wrap his arms around you and comfort you. He will give you your answer, whatever your situation is. Don't let Satan rule your life, for he is a liar and he can be defeated! The Lord is light and Satan is darkness. But Jesus is victorious!! You can have freedom too! Look to the Lord he will help you!

I am now married to a wonderful spirit filled husband. The Lord has revealed to me that when I get to heaven I will hold my baby. That he is taking care of the little soul in heaven until I get there.

Editor's note: The above is Linda's own account of her abortion. Perhaps it is necessary for us to add that, while Linda talks about her feelings of guilt and apparently accepts responsibility for the abortion, an outside observer would surely say that she was as much a victim as the baby. One could, I suppose, think of alternatives and things she could have done to stop it. And it certainly would have been praiseworthy if she had found the resourcefulness and the courage to do something. But even if some mature, comfortable person can sit in his den and carefully reason out some clever plan that would have solved the problem, one can hardly criticize a frightened young girl who had already been abused in numerous ways for failing to come up with such a solution.

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Posted 12 Sep 2000.

Copyright 1998 by Linda E, used with permission.
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