Aborted Women: In Their Own Words

One Year Saturday

by Lisa

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Saturday, March 13, 1999, will be the one-year anniversary of my baby's death. I am not feeling good about myself, and I can't see how I can forgive myself and move on.

My story starts January of last year. I had only been seeing my boyfriend for a month or so then. He was the cousin of my best friend. I had actually known him for years, but we were both attached at that time. We were very much in love. I still remember, at a bar we go to, dancing in his arms to "My heart will go on", crying and getting emotional. I thought it was because I loved him so much ... but it was hormones.

I knew I was late with my period, but I had switched from the Depo-Provera shot to birth control pills a few months before that. I never missed a pill. I even remember joking with him that it would be a miracle if I was pregnant! Well, late January I found out it was true. I went to a friend's house because she had an extra pregnancy test. (She was married and pregnant at the time). I talked with her, and took the test home, deciding to wait until my boyfriend came over to take the test. Well, curiosity killed the cat! I was pregnant. I didn't believe it at first, and I bought a second test (thinking the first was a cheap test, and maybe it didn't work). The second confirmed my worst nightmare. I am 21, in college full time, and barely able to support myself.

When I told my boyfriend his first words were "abortion". I went along with it, thinking of my future. I was 7 weeks pregnant. I started to read baby books and I started to want the baby. I spent a lot of time with my pregnant friend, chatting about how our bodies were changing. I was already gaining, and eating lots of food. I was doubting having an abortion. When I told my boyfriend this, he got angry, saying I would ruin both our lives. So I made the appointment. I told him if I felt unsure, I was leaving. When we arrived at the clinic, there were protestors. They were yelling that I was a killer, which only drove me into the building faster. So I got my blood work done, filled out a questionnaire, and waited. I was then taken to have an ultrasound where it was confirmed I was 7 weeks pregnant, and I was allowed to see the picture. The nurse even offered to print off a copy for me, which I declined. When I was called for counseling, they didn't really care what I had to say. Then I was sent upstairs to wait some more.

There were a few women talking, one saying that this would be her second abortion. Cheerfully paging through a Vogue magazine talking of plans that night. Everyone seemed so nonchalant.

When my name was called I was instructed to get into a gown. The doctor explained everything to me. The dialation was the worst! I was crying so much I was blinded by the tears. My blood pressure shot up as the suction started. I've never felt such pain, not just physical, but emotional. In a few minutes it was over. I went into a recovery room where a young girl I had seen in the waiting room with her mom clung to the ultrasound picture, and cried hysterically. Everyone was happy in the waiting room, but everything changed in here. Women were crying, throwing up, curled up in pain. I just couldn't be strong. I was told to expect cramps, and was given birth control pills. (Ha!) I was sent home with my boyfriend, and I felt relieved, and he was happy. I went out and got very drunk that night!

A few days later I awoke with such excruciating pain, and went back to the clinic to be told I had a severe infection. I was heavily medicated the next few days, and when I called my boyfriend for support, he was nowhere to be found. When I expressed my sadness, he said I was bringing him down and interfering with his healing.

Only after the abortion was I told of all the risks of first pregnancies, infections, and emotional aftereffects. I felt so angry for not being informed! I clung to the support of my family, and slowly went through life.

Now a year later, I regret my decision more and more each day. I am angry at the protestors for not uttering an encouraging word. I am resentful of the clinic for not providing more alternatives and information. I am angry at my boyfriend, although he is able to grieve and feel sorry about the abortion now, he was not supportive then. I am angry at the doctor who didn't even flinch as he sucked my soul right out of my body. I am most of all angry at myself for not protecting my baby. I used to be pro-choice, but now I'm pro-choice for others, pro-life for myself. I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy! I have a long road of healing, and a difficult day to face next Saturday, but I hope God can forgive me, and bless me with a baby someday. I know now I would have made a wonderful mother, but it seems as though you always realize things too late to do anything about them.

I hope my story helps someone. If you want to talk contact me at moops21@aol.com, and I'll be there for you!


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Posted 12 Sep 2000.

Copyright 1999 by Ohio Right to Life.
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