Aborted Women: In Their Own Words

Never took the time to make the right decision

by K E

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September 18, 1998 was the coldest day I have ever felt. That was the day my baby was gone from my life forever.

I have always loved children and like all young women, I secretely desired my own; except at this time in my life they would come in between my goals. But like many women I thought, "It could never happen to me." I finally found the guy that I was crazy about and we have a long distance relationship and I enjoyed every minute I spent with him, never thinking of what could possibly happen. About a month went by and I started having the symptoms and I didn't realize it, until my boyfriend suggested that I take a pregnancy test. So the next day I took it and to my surprise I was going to be faced with the hardest decision in my life.

Just like that your world can turn upside down. With all the confusion I never took the time I needed to make the right decision and I also assumed that he would want me to get an abortion. So the dreadful day came and I had nobody there for me; at least that is what it seemed like. My best friend took me and that morning I woke up and put on a smile like a clown to hide the empty feeling I already felt. While I was in the waiting room, we were joking and laughing to keep my mind off what I was about to encounter. But as my name was called out and I was shown to the table I laid there waiting for the doctor who was going to kill my baby. During the last moments alone I had with my baby I rubbed my tummy and told him how sorry I was and prayed to God for forgiveness. What I can remember very clear was the pain I felt during the four minutes of the procedure. It wasn't physical pain, but mental. It feels like your soul is taken away from you, leaving you with a empty, lonely feeling.

So I kept playing the tough role, never showing any deep emotions, and never bringing it up to my boyfriend. Until tonight, four months later, to find that he wanted me to keep the baby. I told him that if I would have known that then I would have changed my mind in a heartbeat, to save us both the pain we feel. This is something that I will never forget and will always be in my mind and heart. And the sad part is that there is nothing I can do to bring my baby back, and put him in my arms where he belongs.

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Posted 12 Sep 2000.

Copyright 1999 by K E. Used with permission.
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