Aborted Women: In Their Own Words

To this day, no locket have I seen

by J. S.
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I would like to share my story. It's been a little over 3 months now and I know that I will never forget what I did and why I did it. I am 22 and my boyfriend is 24. Even "adults" make childish decisions.

I got pregnant on Valentine's Day of 1999. Even though I was on the shot and we used condoms, it still happened. When I went to get the pregnancy test, my best-friend went with me. She and I both agreed that I was probably just stressed and that's why I was late. Wrong. I can't even begin to explain the absolute disbelief I was in when those two lines showed up in less than 20 seconds. I panicked and started to cry. She had an abortion two years previous and she told me it wasn't that bad and if I had planned on doing it, to separate myself emotionally from my child. My only question is, how do you do that?

I told my boyfriend later that night. I was shaking but not crying. He already had a son by another woman and I knew neither he nor I were ready for this. I always thought if I were to ever get pregnant the only option would be abortion. So I told him that it was best if I didn't keep it. His agreement was this, "oh good, the only thing that would have made me upset is if you had decided to keep it". I try to believe he meant that in a nice way.

The night before he stayed over and I begged and pleaded with him to tell me how he felt. His only response was "I just don't want to say the wrong thing." I told him the only reason why I was doing what I was doing was to prove to him how much I loved him. That I really didn't want to do it at this point but this was my ultimate test and sacrifice for him.

The next morning we went to the clinic together. I went into the "counseling" session and was overwhelmed when I saw just how many girls were there to do the same thing I was. The nurse told me I was RH- blood type and that this was a high-risk pregnancy anyway since my boyfriend's blood type was RH+. But she also told me that my chances of carrying a baby to term after aborting this one was not very good. She confused me so much that I believed everything she had to say because I was so scared. I spoke with my boyfriend in one last failed attempt to see if he would please try to stop what I was about to do. He didn't.

My ultra-sound showed me a lot further along than I had thought. I was two months along. Me! It then hit me this was all real. Very real. But yet, I did nothing to stop it. The machine was covered up by some sort of paper cover. I had to see it. Mortified. Yet, I did nothing. The doctor came in and I tried to do everything I could not to cry. The nurse was mean and cold but he was somewhat compassionate. He injected me with an anesthetic that helped me sleep through it. But my last thought before he did was that this was my last chance to save my baby. But I did nothing.

I awoke and got dressed. The anesthesia still in effect somewhat, I walked out and my boyfriend helped me to the elevator. I broke down right there. He told me that we did this together and he would help me through it. Something we did ... yeah, right. Were you there when that nurse told me how far along I was? Were you there when that doctor injected me? No, you were not.

He took me home and we hugged and cried together. He then left me so he could return to his son. His son. You know, the one he didn't give up. He hasn't talked about it to me since except to tell me that he knew it would have been a girl and that he was sorry and if he could change things he would. He also told me that he had a locket made for me with the inscription, "For Love, Brianna". Brianna being the name we would have named our little girl. To this day, no locket have I seen.

I try to not think about it. But believe me that doesn't work. They say time helps ease your pain. I say there isn't enough time in this world for my pain. He and I aren't together any longer. Two weeks after I had it done, he was out with his friends doing whatever he wanted while I caught him. I try to forgive him and myself. But I can't. I blame him for not being a man and taking responsibilty and I blame myself for the same and not choosing the love of my child as compared to his. I was trying to prove my love to him while I should have been trying to prove my love for my child and myself. I still love him so very much and we still continue to see each other although we aren't "together". I told him that I will not ever do it again if I get pregnant. I won't ever make that mistake again.

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Posted 12 Sep 2000.

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