Aborted Women: In Their Own Words

A simple solution?

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When the test stick turned pink, I turned green and ran to the bathroom and barfed. How could I have been so naive? I was 21, a college junior, and in a three year relationship, which should have been sturdy enough to handle a child. I wasn't ready to have child, but I wasn't prepared for the regret and the shame I would feel from throwing away my child.

My boyfriend at the time had a good paying job and an aversion to children. He wasn't going to marry me and shelled over the $300 to get the problem taken care of. I wanted to preserve my life more than my child's so I agreed that the pregnancy be terminated.

The day after the EPT test came back positive I went to a clinic in the town and got a more accurate test. I hoped that the store test was a fluke, but deep inside I knew that the test was true. The woman at the clinic informed me over my sobs that I was 5 weeks along and due to deliver in November. I should have known from the clear skin, sudden cramps and lack of the usual PMS that something was going on. But I didn't so the news that I was with child was a shock. I panicked, I prayed but I knew that I would become another statistic before I would become a new mom.

It was the clinic's policy that they wait until a minimum of 6 weeks before they aborted it. I had a whole week to decide, I had a whole week to decide whether I would raise the child that would ruin my life. But I later learned my life was already ruined.

A child? I have no money, no home (I was living in the dorm) and no love for the bastard who put his need for pleasure above my well being. What kind of life am I giving this child? If I give it away, I will forever fear the day he or she will confront me of why I abandoned her or him. If I keep the child he or she will live impoverished with a broken family. I thought if I killed my baby I would save it from the worst possible alternative.

No one ever talks about the pain the woman suffers after the abortion. Abortion is painted as the noble choice, or a simple solution to a complex problem. The trouble with the right to choose is the fact that everyone has a conception of what raising a child entails, but no one has any idea of what killing a child entails. Dirty diapers and screaming are no comparision to the sorrow and regret I will have for the rest of my life. Before I got pregnant I watched a video on women who had abortions and regretted the choice. Never did I think I would be one of them. I lied on the table shaking with fear and waited for the procedure. In five minutes my "problem" was gone and my life went on.

I have since them met the man I was meant to be with and hope to build a family with. My life is better but not perfect. I hesitate at sex because I never want to go through the hell again. I freak when my period is a day late and I mark March 14 forever on my calendar. On that day not only did I do the unthinkable, I lost the last of my innocence. I wish people would stop fighting over a right and realize that abortion is not a noble cause but a preventable situation.

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Posted 12 Sep 2000.

Copyright 1999. Anonymous. Used with permission.
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