Aborted Women: In Their Own Words

I won't ever know my first child

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I met my boyfriend when I was 16. He was then 19. We began having sex almost right away. I don't know why I was so stupid but in the beginning we never used protection. It was my boyfriend who suggested about a month later that we go to Planned Parenthood to get birth control. We did and I got a three month supply. But when I ran out there was no way to get back to the clinic so we just continued having sex with no protection. When my period was late we talked about me maybe being pregnant. I went and bought a test with my friend. I'll never forget that day. I left it in the bathroom. I didn't want to check so my friend said she would. When I didn't hear her yelling out "the good news" I knew. She just came back into the room silently. I checked for myself and then I just started to cry and I called my boyfriend.

The next few weeks were filled with confusion. At first my boyfriend wanted me to have an abortion. Then he wanted a baby. He kept changing his mind and so did I. I didn't know what to do. I finally told my mom in a note. My parents freaked out. They said that if I didn't get an abortion they would call the police on my boyfriend (he was 20 then). I know now that us being together is not illegal but I din't know that then. I was scared -- I made the appointment.

So, I drove to the clinic with my mom for the first visit. The second visit was the day it was supposed to happen but my mom had forgotten to sign one of the papers so I had to reschedule. It turned out that I had to go the day after Christmas 97. My mom took me because my boyfriend had to work. I refused to go somewhere where I couldn't be asleep for the procedure. All I remember is crying then turning my head and a guy said "we'll take good care of you". Then I woke up to a nurse making me smell this disgusting stuff. There was another girl next to me who was talking to me but I didn't want to talk at all. I got dressed and left. Just like that. In the ride home I tried to sleep but I couldn't because I had the worst cramps ever.

It was kind of like a dream. A bad dream that won't ever go away. I won't ever know my first child. If it was a boy or a girl and I hate myself for that. Here is a poem I wrote to my baby:

That day your presence hit me like a bolt of lightening
I'd like to see you like that,
Bright and glorious
You never amounted to anything more than a little blue line
To think, that blue line would change my life forever
I crashed to earth
Everything went black as I stood in that fork in the road
I could never touch you, You were too near
And still you grew inside me
Formed by love
Yet I hated you
I wished you would just die on your own
Baby I'm sorry I was only 16
And now as reality drags me down
I try to capture your soul on my paper,
Trap your essence between the fibers
You could have been wonderful
But I can only draw the shapes I've seen before
My eyes stared inward for so long
But all I ever saw was darkness
You're something I could never see, or never forget

Well now I am 17, I'll be 18 in February. Right now I am 9 months pregnant. My baby was due 8 days ago. After my abortion I took my birth control but somehow I still got pregnant. We think it's because of antibiotics I was taking. My parents again tried to force me into an abortion. They told me I could not be pregnant and live in their home. So they kicked me out. I'm now living with my boyfriend's family. I wasn't going to let them push me into doing that again. I'm not their perfect little child. They are ashamed of me and I am only now just starting to talk to my mom again after almost 6 months.

I am not going to say that being a pregnant teenager is easy. If I said that I'd only be lying. I know I can't go back and change the past but at least now I'm doing the right thing for me and my baby. I will never forget about my first child and I will always wonder about who he or she would have been if only they had a chance. I just want anyone else in my position to really think it through and not let anyone else threaten them into a decision they are not ready for.

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Posted 12 Sep 2000.

Copyright 1999. Anonymous. Used with permission.
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