Aborted Women: In Their Own Words

Abortion Isn't For Everyone

by Victoria
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I hope in writing this story that females who read it will learn that it is okay to think that abortion isn't for everyone.

At first, I was optimistic about my pregnancy because there was another human being growing inside of me. But shortly after, I had to leave my boyfriend, the father of my child, because he was being verbally abusive, calling me stupid and taking useless problems out on me. I got tired of it and started treating him the same way. He couldn't handle that, so that's when the arguments came in. Finally I promised myself that the next time would be the last. When that time came, he knew it when I hung the phone up in his ear. He tried to call me back and I continuely hung up on him. This continued for a couple of weeks. He asked me if I still wanted to be with him, and that's when I told him no. He said he was heart-broken. I felt relieved. Relieved to be able to do anything I wanted to. Why should I put up with just anything? I think I'm worth more than that.

Then I started to feel unsure about my pregnancy. I wondered how I could accomplish my dream of becoming a midwife if I had to take care of a baby. Who will care for my baby while I work and go to school? Will I be neglecting my baby? Do I even want a baby with a no good man? I felt I should escape the problem by having an abortion.

At fourteen weeks, I went to the abortion clinic not knowing how far along I was in my pregnancy. After I saw my little baby on the monitor screen I can't lie and say that I didn't feel anything at all; I did. From there I knew that my baby already had a personality. It had an attitude. The technician who did my ultra sound pressed down hard on my stomach where the baby was located. (I don't know what the purpose of this was.) Even though I couldn't feel him, the baby kicked its little legs up and its arm were going everywhere. I don't know if this might have hurt it. I have pictures of this little one.

After I had my ultrasound I went to someone called an "advocate" to talk about my decision. I told her that I was thinking that I was sending my baby back to God. I felt that I was at a crossroads, and at this crossroad it splits in three different directions: Abortion, Keeping it, and Adoption. I chose, at that time, the abortion route. I asked her could I see the pictures of the aborted fetuses at the late stages of abortion. She told me that these pictures were really graphic and I might change my mind about abortion. I told her if that statement was true I have that right. She seemed like she wanted me to have an abortion. After looking at these groesome pictures it reminded me of my history lesson in high school about the Jewish holocaust. These little bodies chopped up in a glass casserole pan. It was sad.

When I got home, my mom discovered my ultrasound pictures. She turned to me and asked, "Are you sure you still want to do this? After having this picture? You don't feel nothing at all?" I told her no. I was trying to psyche myself up for this procedure thinking it would be a one time thing. No one knew all that week I threw up at the thought of abortion. That is no lie.

The time came when my mother took me to the abortion clinic. In the car she asked me if was I sure that I wanted this done. I kept telling her yes. All kinds of thoughts ran through my head: This child has nothing to do with my mistakes, cutting up this baby is soooo wrong and how could I do this to an innocent human being, why should this baby pay for my mistake. All I could think about was this innocent baby just in my stomach without a care in the world not knowing what is going to happen to it in a couple of hours. While my mother kept hounding me with questions of, "What make you think your baby will not be taken care of? Your father and I will be here to help you. I am not saying that this decision is right, and you know it isn't either." As soon as her back was turned my face scrunched up and I cried hysterically. Feeling helpless like the baby in my stomach. My mother wiped the tears off my face and said, "No, I will not take you because you don't want to do this. That's it. We are not going. I'm going to take you home." She took me into her arms and hugged me. I don't know what I would have done without her. She's been there every since. Ever since then she said I've been acting like her daughter again.

I am still pregnant and will be delivering in two months. To this day I am still shedding tears about even considering aborting my baby. It is like, how could I ever do that. Everyday I get up and look at all the ultra sound pictures I have and wait impatiently for the day I get to hold my baby in my arms. I don't regret my decision at all.

If anyone wants to talk, my email address is Victoria99@msn.com.


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Posted 12 Sep 2000.

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