Aborted Women: In Their Own Words

It Changed My Life Forever

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We originally received this as an e-mail. The writer agreed to let us post it, provided that we did not give her name or email address.

Hello, I just wanted to let you know I visited your web page. If I could be of any help to one, single person wanting to consider abortion, and could let her get into my heart and soul, maybe I might could help her understand the aftereffects. I'm not trying to change anyone's mind, just tell you what it did to me, which I have never done in ten years! (Except to tell my husband.) I was in a situation where I thought more of what my parents' friends in the church would think, how it would kill my mother and everyone else, instead of thinking about how it would change my course of life forever!!

Now I know my mother wouldn't have died -- she would have embraced me, been with me to the end, my whole family would have. I worried so much about what would happen if my secret got out. It would ruin everyone I loved and they would be so hurt. Now, if they knew of my secret abortion ... that is what would kill them. I panicked. I was so afraid and just absolutely devastated.

I came from a Christian family, and I knew what was right from wrong, but the first time I agreed, I got pregnant. I wanted to have the baby, but I panicked and the guy I was dating panicked. Why didn't I just wait one more day to think about it?! As a matter of fact the butcher that my boyfriend took me to only got half of the fetus (I was 4 to 6 weeks) so I started bleeding and blacking out. I was so scared, I had nobody to talk to. The guy jumped ship after he thought his duty was done, paying for the procedure. I will never forget this as long as I live. I kept blacking out and bleeding profusely, so I finally took myself to the ER. Where I found out I was pregnant with twins and he had only removed half of one of them, and I was going to have to have an emergency D&C.

If I could tell what these last ten years have been for me, I would not wish this on my worst enemy! My heart bleeds for those two precious children that I killed. It is almost unbearable to live with sometimes. I have asked for forgiveness, but it becomes more of forgiving yourself and that is so hard to do. All I want to say is, Don't be selfish -- give it up for adoption. Sometimes we think we have no alternatives abortion, or trying to raise a baby on our own. Those two precious angels had a right to life, even if it wasn't with me! But it wasn't my choice to make. I believe God knows what he is doing and he was bringing those to babies into this world for a reason. But I took that away from them ... and I have to live with that for the rest of my life. I know it is hard for people to accept people like me, because it is very hard for me to accept myself. Don't allow yourself to do something that you will punish yourself for a lifetime!!!

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Posted 12 Sep 2000.

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