Aborted Women: In Their Own Words

Why Didn't I Chose What I Really Wanted?

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I write because I am willing to share my story on your website, hoping this will save at least one baby. I'm 17 and the biggest mistake of my life was giving up on my child.

My boyfriend and I had been together for a little over a year when I first learned that I was pregnant. I got pregnant in September of 1998, but didn't find out until the end of November. Tony is going to college and I'm still in high school. If our parents had known about me expecting a baby we both would have gotten kicked out of our homes. My parents would have basically disowned me. Both of our parents own family businesses and we work for them in order to make money, meaning if they knew about my pregnancy there would be no work, no money.

I still wanted to have the baby. I asked my boyfriend what he wanted, he said whatever I wanted that he would stick by my side either way. When I asked him what he really wanted he admitted he thought abortion was the answer. He didn't want to drop out of college, and he knew we wouldn't be able to give this baby a good life. I went through with the abortion because I didn't want to be selfish, but not because it was what I truly wanted.

On December 10, 1998 I found myself sitting in a local Planned Parenthood clinic with my boyfriend at my side. I got a lot of paperwork to fill out which explained the procedure, my eyes saddened and I started to cry. It all felt so wrong but still I decided to go through with it. After about an hour of waiting I was called in. A blood sample was taken. I was then taken into a room where a sonogram was done. The nurses were very cold, they wouldn't even let me see my baby. Once they finished they took me into another room where they asked me to lie on a table which was on the right hand side of the room. Minutes later another nurse came in, she put an IV in my hand and injected a sedative to help me relax. Then the doctor came in, he introduced himself, injected a local anesthesia and began the procedure which lasted about five minutes. It wasn't very painful, just extremely uncomfortable. I was then taken into a recovery room where I was given antibiotics and sent home. I ran out of the clinic, my boyfriend followed, and just cried and cried.

Ever since that moment I've been miserable. I've tried committing suicide twice since December. The last time I tried killing myself they put me in a psychiatric hospital. I was there for almost five days. I still think about my baby everyday. I ask myself if it were a boy or a girl ... every night I get down on my knees and ask God for forgiveness. I think he's forgiven me, but I haven't been able to forgive myself for what I have done. I hate myself more than ever and am very depressed. I cry myself to sleep every night. I beat myself up and beat myself up but I still don't think I'm good enough.

My boyfriend and I are still together, he is like the best friend that I ever had. He's been here for me, and is always there for me to talk to whenever I need to. What's very sad about this is that no one in my family knows about the silent pain I'm going through. They have no clue why I'm so depressed or why I've tried taking my life twice. I hope that someday I will get pregnant and be in a situation like the kind you see on TV commercials where the pregnancy test comes up with two lines and the husband and wife kiss and hug each other instead of having panic attacks. I will never forget my first child, even if I have many more there will always be something missing. I believe in a woman's right to chose. Why didn't I choose what I really wanted?

Here's a poem I wrote to my baby.

Invisible Mother

To my little angel, the child I will not be able to hold, not in this lifetime, at least Empty. Like my nightmare-crib in the middle of the night mother wanting to soothe your cries waking up to find that the only sobs are her own. Perry vacuuming his apartment upstairs the suction-humming noise takes me back chills my spine with thoughts of a similar sound ... sucking my life out, sucking me dry. Freedom of choice my baby, my body, my decision ... my enemy is not the Catholic Coalition or society not the abortion doctor or your father. this foe that refused me the choice I wanted lurks within me. and I'm afraid of her. Trying to heal rose quartz under my pillow tiny gemstone that I clutch at night small and beautiful like you were about the size of ... a 12-week-old fetus. Chunks of my soul bled out of me with you, my dear I'm left with a hollow shell of the former me. few can see it, for the outside's the same, but deep within, my heart is left just like my womb ... empty.

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Posted 12 Sep 2000.

Copyright 1999 by Ohio Right to Life.
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