Aborted Women: In Their Own Words

Memorial

by Sarah
Pregnant Pause Home In Their Own Words Search this site


To be honest, my post abortion story is still be written. In just over a month my baby would be one year old and it just breaks my heart.

My boyfriend and I were both going through divorces when we found out I was pregnant. We had already planned on getting married and having a life together. I was scared yet excited. I was alone in my excitement. My boyfriend said that we had too much else going on right then and that he wanted a child with me but the timing wasn't right. He promised me we'd have another one. I truly believed him with all my heart. I hesitated about the abortion. I kept putting off the conversation hoping time would pass and it would be too late. I was 7 weeks along when my boyfriend called different clinics. He set up an appointment for me. I was so numb. The morning we were to go to the clinic I was crying. I had bought baby and maternity clothing, a blanket, and, well, several small items. He told me again how we would have our child some day and that those items will be used at that time. I accidentally locked the car keys in the house I was so out of it. He kicked the door in to get them. The damage to the door is still there for me to see on a daily basis when I come home. I know i'm not writing this very well, but the pain is just still so raw and the reality of what happened is coming more into focus each day. It's gut-wrenching. Back to that awful morning...

I asked him if we could just take a week to think about it. He held me and promised everything would be okay. We drove to the clinic. It was at a hospital here in town. I was hoping there would be protesters that would help me and see I didn't want to be there. There was nobody at all. We walked into the clinic and the whole experience is still just too surreal to talk about.

What I want to talk about is what happened afterward. Two weeks after that horrid day (March 6, 2007), my boyfriend left me. I remember that moment so clearly. I was bleeding very profusely. I had just showed him and asked him if he thought that was normal. Turns out it wasn't. Turns out I had an infection. At any rate, he chose that moment to tell me he thought I was too weak for him, not motivated enough. I felt absolutely sick. I didn't believe him. I didn't believe he was really leaving. He walked out the door and left me crying, bleeding and terrified. Nobody knew I was pregnant except him. I absolutely lost it. I called my mom hysterical. I didn't want to live. I felt so deceived, so tricked. One of my best friends said I needed to go to the hospital. I did. That is when I found out I had an infection. They didn't get all of the "material" out the first time as they called it. I was told I was one of the 1-2% that had to get the procedure done again. I was put out after the ultrasound. It hurt so much to see the empty ultrasound where just a couple weeks earlier there had been a strong heartbeat. Ironically I was in the same exact room on the same exact machine. I couldn't and can't believe what I did. The first time I was there, I actually felt a little smug. Like I had my boyfriend in the waiting room and I would get my child back. I felt sorry for the other women there who didn't have my support. How wrong I was. This second time, I was in the same room being put out and I was all alone. He was gone. I had been with him for over a year. I still can't believe he treated me the way he did. I felt like a complete piece of garbage. I turned my back on my baby for him. I went against what I wanted for him. I gave up so much for him. A few months went by and I contacted him. I was crying asking him how he could do that to me. He told me that the baby was a "blob" and how weak I was. He told me to "get some help". I am so broken.

I found a memorial/cemetary where I had my baby's name engraved. I go there to visit her as often as I can. It has brought me some peace in that I feel I have shown her just a smidgeon of the respect she deserved. I know she is real. I will never forget her. I named her "Cecilia" because it means blind. I was so blind. I want to take my decision back so badly. Please ... if anyone reading this is contemplating doing what I did for a man, don't do it. I am not a dumb woman ... I was 32 years old. I believed him with my heart and soul that the timing was just not right and he would be there for me. Now I am scarred for life, both mentally and physically. My fertility has been decreased because everywhere there is a scar on my uterus is one less place any future babies could implant. I feel this is what I deserved. God's punishment to me. I have been punished enough. I can't take anymore hurt and yet every day it gets worse. I feel so alone. I'm sorry Cecilia. I'm so sorry.


Pregnant Pause Home In Their Own Words Search this site

Posted Sept 2, 2008

Copyright 2008 by Pregnant Pause
Contact us.