Aborted Women: In Their Own Words

It was for the best

by Monica
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My name is Monica. I am 21 and had an abortion on December the 12th, 2004. My baby would have been born around August the 7th (my mother's birthday).

I began seeing my boyfriend at the beginning of September 2004. I had known him for a year so I decided to finally give him a chance. He seemed like a nice guy and everything was great, but then a day before my 21st birthday in October I found out he had a son, which he previously denied. Then I had a party in a hall on the Saturday after my birthday to celebrate it. That was my boyfriend's birthday.

My boyfriend's girlfriend called me to invite me to a surprise 25th birthday party she was organizing for him. It turns out they had been together for eight years on and off and living together. She also claimed to be 7 months pregnant with his child. She thought I was just his friend! He denied every thing and told me she is his ex but she can't let go. He even convinced her to call me back and say she was lying. I just couldn't trust him any more and wanted to end the relationship and friendship we previously had.

But unfortunately after being very ill for days my brother drove me to the hospital on November the 25th, which was where I found out I was pregnant. When the nurse told me I had a slight smile, yet in tears because I had stomach pains. When I came out of the room I had to pretend that the nurses were not sure what was wrong with me because my older brother has always been very protective of me and treats me like gold, and I knew he would be disappointed with me for allowing myself to get into this situation. I couldn't think straight and was filled with emotion. I felt happy, sad, overwhelmed, disappointed with myself, amazed, scared and very confused. I decided to call my very good friend who came to meet me at the hospital. I then went into another room to talk to a doctor. When I told him I was considering having an abortion his attitude changed negatively towards me and I felt guilty.

That night I called my boyfriend -- well, ex boyfriend -- and told him I was pregnant with his child. His response was, "Who have you told?" I said just one friend and he said I'll call you back and put the phone down. I was shattered he didn't call back until 3 am, around 5 hours after I initially told him. My stomach was still hurting, so I was in no condition to discuss the situation with him. I was upset, in pain, I had nausea and I cried the whole night. I have never felt so alone.

I knew I would have to have an abortion as my situation with the father was bad and he was not interested. I was still studying. I felt too young and not ready. My world seemed to be caving in.

On December the 12th, 2004 I left my house for the abortion clinic with the same very good friend. I remember feeling very ashamed in the waiting room and wishing my ex was with me for some sort of support as I felt, I did not do this alone, why am I suffering alone? Once my name was called for me to go through my friend left and I felt terrified of what was going to happen next. I was dreading this moment yet knew it was what I needed to do. When I got to the operating table the doctor wanted to give me an injection. I moved and said, Please wait. He sighed with annoyance and muttered as though he had no time for time wasters. I got the injection promptly after his response.

LIFE AFTER MY ABORTION

The clinic provided me with an optional session with a counselor, which I went to. It was not helpful. The counselor did not seem to really sympathize with what I went through, so I found it hard to open up to her. She just seemed to be "doing a job".

I hated having to leave the house in the first few days after what I did because I felt guilty. I used to find it difficult to sleep. I still come to tears thinking of what I did. I still can not watch births on TV. I do not talk about what I did. No one in my family knows. It is difficult to explain this lasting feeling I have but most of all somehow I feel something is missing from me that I know can never ever be replaced and that saddens me greatly.

Yet I do not regret my abortion. It was for the best.

I think researching about abortion may help those who are finding it difficult to cope. I chose to do my dissertation on abortion as a way to tackle the sadness I was going through rather than avoiding it, which I was doing. I can honestly say it was an excellent decision as I got to understand both views on abortion, that I am not alone and I am not a bad person. It is the essay that I most enjoyed and benefited from researching out of my entire three years of studying at university. I am graduating on July 7th 2005.


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Posted 26 Jun 2005.

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