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I would like to share my story about my abortion. I am 18 years old and I honestly say I regret having the abortion and I would do anything in the world to just go back to that day and change what happened. Unfortunately, I can't so I would like to share my story and hopefully some young girl who is pregnant and unsure of what to do will read this story.
I had been seeing a guy who was four years older than me for about a year, when I found out I was pregnant. Being only 16 years old I was so scared and had no idea what to do. I told him and he convinced me to have an abortion. Because I looked up to him, I listened to him and thought that he knew best, when really deep down I knew I was making the wrong decision. My heart wanted to keep my baby, and even when I was at the abortion clinic I still knew I was making the wrong decision but for some reason because I was so scared and afraid of what every one else like my parents, family, friends would think I went along with it. I am a good student and have received top marks at school so I did care what people thought of me and I had pressure on me to succeed in life, go well in the HSC, go to university, get a good job, get married and then have children. This is the type of world I had been bought up in that was meant to be ideal.
He came with my when I got the abortion and he held my hand and was with me all the time. Afterwards though, we didn't speak about it and I guess we tried to pretend it didn't happen. It was like oh it happened that was bad but it's over now so move on. That was his attitude. I on the other hand felt so hurt and broken and all I wanted was for him to be there for me. We were both young and didn't know how to deal with the situation, even today it is hard to talk about it with him. It wasn't for 9 months that I suddenly cracked it and I could not stop crying. I was so depressed and just wanted to kill myself. I didn't have the energy to do anything: to complete my HSC was the hardest thing because I was sad and wanted to cry and let my emotions out, but knew I had to stay focused and go well. I knew that if I didn't go well in the HSC ... I mean get above 90%, then I would feel like a complete failure and that the hurt and pain I was going through because of the abortion wasn't worth it. After all I had the abortion so that I could enjoy being young and really get somewhere in life. I do not believe this at all now. This was the most stupid reason to have an abortion.
Our relationship suffered, and it turned into just sex. We would see each other and just have sex. We would never talk and if we did try to talk about the abortion again I would shut him down because it hurt me so much. I felt like he didn't care and was never there for me even though he promised me he would be and reassured me at the time. I got so angry at him, which is why our relationship turned into just sex. I treated him like that's all I wanted him for and I know I ended up hurting him so much, only because I was hurting so much inside and I had lost my trust in him. He said he would be there for me, and then I couldn't talk to him, so that's why I felt to hurt. He would shut me down too and said some pretty harsh comments but I know that's because he didn't know how to deal with it either.
He split up with me the other day but we both realized how messed up our relationship was. He has a new girlfriend now, but I don't blame him because I messed him around so much. I am very hurt though. I love him still so much, and I just want to be with him, because I have a connection to him because he was the father of my child. I am going to get counselling because I know I can't handle the abortion still. It's almost 2 years ago now. He did say Happy Mothers Day to me this year though, which I thought was so cute and it made me happy. I would love to end up with him one day and have children with him because that is how much he means to me. I accept that he has a new girlfriend now but it still hurts me. I am glad in a way that he broke it off with me because it has made me realize that I need help to deal with the abortion so that I can have healthy relationships in the future and in the long run it is just going to make our relationship stronger because I can now talk to him a lot easier. Instead of denying my feelings of hurt and sadness and regret, I am now ready to talk to him about it. We are still close friends too, so I haven't lost him completely and who knows what will happen in the future. At least now I can talk to him. Well, I guess that forms the basis of a relationship in the first place.
Just some advice to anyone thinking about having an abortion. Please make sure that you think about it carefully before you do anything. I know that you are probably so scared but please think, listen to what other people say, don't be scared to get help from people like I was and remember in the end it is YOUR choice: it is your life, do what you want not what other people tell you because in the end you are the one that is going to have live with the consequences, not anybody else.
I am adopted and I already feel like I have lost a part of me, because I have never met my birth mother, I have lost my daughter too. Although this might not look that bad, because I have a loving adoptive family, great friends, great home, great environment, I am smart and intelligent but I still suffer so much. When I am alone I feel like crying because I still carry so much hurt and pain, even though it has healed greatly. It will always be there, forever, but it has made me a stronger person today. But I would rather have my daughter and not have this empty, broken feeling then be a successful young woman who achieves well in everything she does, which I am today. Just because I look like I have everything and it appears that I am a very lucky girl, inside I feel completely different. Don't choose the material world over your heart and soul, listen to that voice inside and always be honest to yourself.
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Posted 22 Jul 2004.
Copyright 2004 by Pregnant Pause