Aborted Women: In Their Own Words

Needed to forgive myself

by KO
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My boyfriend and I were dating for 4 years. We were both in college in different towns. I found out at 8 weeks I was pregnant. I thought, "maybe we could do it, maybe we could make it"! He slowly convinced me otherwise, that this is the right decision for us.

I was devastated! I was depressed! I made myself sick! I had one point while driving and sobbing that I thought it would be best for everyone if I drove into a telephone pole. This way I couldn't hurt anyone else.

As with the person who wrote "Why didn't I Chose What I really Wanted", I did not tell my parents or many of those who loved me. Which also made my actions appear very erratic!

Our relationship became very damaged. We could not have sex for a year and eventually we broke up.

I sought counseling. She told me I needed to forgive myself. (I couldn't understand what she meant. Oh, ok self, I forgive you. It sounded crazy!) I needed to take ownership of my decisions and to stop blaming others. I was convinced that God would never allow me to be pregnant again. That I willingly destroyed a tiny baby. She told me I was still a good person and that I deserved good things. I was insane with worry, depression, rage, anger, blame, shame, guilt, sadness, you name it! I consistently marked missed birthdays and cried every death day.

I did get better! Am I still sad sometimes? YES! Are Septembers always a little off? YES! But I am a good person. I made a decision! I'm living with that. I can't go back and I accept that. I can only take the life I have and do what good I can for others. That is what makes me feel good, whole and loved.

As for that boyfriend ... I ended up marrying him! We've known one another for 11 years now and we've been married 3 of those years. Two days ago I found out I was pregnant again and I cried with happiness.

Forgiveness is very powerful!

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Posted 21 Jun 2003.

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