Aborted Women: In Their Own Words

Going on a mountain climb

by Joanne
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Hi, i thought it's about time i let go and shared my feelings with others hopefully writing to you and others reading will perhaps change someone's mind on having an abortion.

I was in sixth year at school sitting highers when my life had turned sour. To paint a picture for you, I was living with my dad, mum lived away and I had a boyfriend of 2 years. We had broken up but fell back in.

For the start of our relationship I always used protection when it came to intercourse. Then after a while we stopped using it as we thought things would be ok.

I made the mistake of going out with friends and consuming alcohol, then having unprotected sex with a boy I had fancied throughout my time at school. I wasn't proud of what I done afterwards.

A couple of weeks passed and I felt sick all the time. I was sitting at the dinner table one evening with my mother and her new man, when she asked me if I was pregnant. I automatically defended myself and said NO. Then i started to think to myself, WHAT IF I AM?

I started to get worried and I had to ask my older sister to come with me for a test. Surprise, surprise it came up positive, the one thing i didn't want.

At this stage of my life I had a lot to do. I wasn't even 18 yet. I was going on a mountain climb to Spain within that year, and last but not least I didn't know who the father was. I so much wanted it to be the long term boyfriend who I liked a lot, but then I thought, It's more likely to be the one night stand with the boy from school. I thought about what I could do and the only thing I came up with was a termination.

I remember it as though it was a dream that never happened. It started when I went to a woman's clinic and said I didn't want to have a baby right at this time as I wanted to finish school, go to college, and go on my mountain climbing trip. Now thinking of they things it was so selfish.

They booked me in with a hospital. I went there and lay on a bed. They didn't let me see anything or even hear anything. Again they asked me why I wanted to do it. I just wished now that they had told me about the procedure or even what would happen to me afterwards but they didn't. If only they could have tried to talk me out of it I wouldn't be here today sharing this with you all.

I eventually told my mum. She took it well and said she would support me in any decision I made. I kept it from my dad and he still doesn't know to this day. But she didn't try to change my mind either. Mum went with me to the hospital that day. I didn't have anything to eat. I had to lie in a bed for a while, then the nurse came and inserted something into my bottom area which wasn't very pleasent. A while later they inserted needles into my arm. Then I was moved on to the trolley and away I went. Along the corridors I went and then they dropped me off at the table. As I lay there starting to shake they injected something into the valve in the arm, put an object over my face and told me to count to 5. ...

I woke up outside the surgery room in the middle of a corridor thinking what the hell have I done. When I went back my mum was still there holding my hand. I acted as though nothing had happened. I had to rest for a couple of hours. Then it was time to stand up. Blood was covering the bed where I lay and I felt sick. A nurse came and gave me some contraceptive pills and some pain killers. Walking from the hospital to the taxi I was crouched with pain. I got home and curled up into small ball and cried all night.

This subject is out of bounds to talk about: my mum and sister don't say a word. I am in a good relationship now and have briefly spoken about this. They do not approach this subject without me starting the conversation because it is still raw and probably will always be.

There is not a day that goes by without me thinking about the child that I could have had. I am the only person in my family now with no children. I love to play with all my nieces and nephews and I always think, If only I hadn't terminated my child it could play too.

I would say that my body physically hasn't mended and that I suffer from depression. It's something I need to live with for the rest of my life as I can't turn back the clock, but if I could I wouldn't have done what I did.

I am 22 now studying at college, in a good relationship, and trying to make things work.

I just hope that this can help someone else make the right desion. Thanks for reading.


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Posted 20 Nov 2004.

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