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Then after being sick for a few days (to the point where if I looked at food or even thought about it I would throw up), my mom wanted me to take something to make me feel better. Well, I had heard that if you take certain stuff it could hurt the baby so I looked at the bottle and in big capital letters it said, "DONíT TAKE IF YOU ARE PREGNANT OR PLAN TO BECOME PREGNANT". So I told my mom; I thought she would understand. I was very wrong. The first words out of her mouth where "what are people going to think about what kind of mother SHE was." I felt so bad and she said, "What are we going to do? You can't have this baby." So I said "abortion". I didnít want to, I donít know why I said it but I did. So she was looking through the yellow pages in as much time as it took her to walk from the table to the closet to get the book. She got the number and we went for a drive so she could call the place without my dad or anyone else knowing. As she picked up her phone I told her I didnít want to do it. She said she would just call and find out what they would do during the procedure. I was too sick to listen to what she was saying, but as soon as she got off the phone she said I had an appointment in two days.
So we didnít talk about it for those two days. I woke up and we drove to the city. We went into what looked like an old apartment house. I had passed it over a hundred times though the years and never suspected it to be anything more then that. We were buzzed into a room with a bunch of doors. We walked up to one that had a sign on it that said, NO CHILDREN ALLOWED. we walked in and there were a couple of people there. I was sitting there about 45 minutes before I got called into a room with a lady to tell me about the procedure. She asked if I was sure I wanted to do this and I nodded my head. She seemed very nice. She went to do an ultrasound but couldnít because I didnít have a full bladder (ugh), so I got 2 cups of water and had to sit in a waiting room for what seemed like forever. I went back into the room but this time with a different lady. She didnít talk much but when she did it was enough to scare the begezzies out of me. She did an ultrasound. I couldnít look at it and it had no sound. She gave me a cup and I went into the bathroom and pee'd and when I came out she was waiting for me in another room.
My mom was with her at this point and I told her I wanted to leave but she said I couldnít. They told me there were two ways to do it: I could do it "surgical" or "medical". "Medical" being the pill, and it didnít sound as bad so I wanted to do that, but the lady told my mother that there was a slim chance it wouldnít work but it most likely would; well, that slim chance was all it took and my mom said surgical.
So they gave me a "gown" as they call it but it was really more like a giant paper-towel with holes to put your arms in. They walked me down a long hall into a room, and said the doctor would be in shortly. I waited forever and then some, then he finally came in. He was mean, or maybe I just thought he was mean, I'm not really sure which it was. He told me what they would do and checked me out. Then we walked down that very large hall to a different room (I swear that hall got longer each time I walked into it). It was a big room and I was told to sit on the table he gave me a shot in the arm and said I wouldnít be able to feel anything, that I would go to sleep, to count to 100. They were going to give me needles in my cervix to open it up more. Well, he was wrong. I never went to sleep and I could still feel. All that shot did was make me to weak to move or say anything. Finally after crying for about 10 minutes from all the pain I blacked out. I woke up awhile later, I'm not sure how long I was out but it was awhile. My mom was the only one in the room besides a nurse who was standing in a doorway that connected to another room. The doctor came in when I started to move and I asked if he was done. He said he couldnít finish it because when he started to poke me with the needles I would squirm. I donít know how I could squirm, I donít remember being able to move at all. So he told me to try the pills. He gave me a shot and a little brown envelope with pills in it. When I got in the car I told my mom I didnít want to do it and she said the shot he gave me would hurt the baby if I decided to have it so I had no choice. I did it.
I went back to the office for a checkup and pee'd in the cup again and the lady said I was still pregnant, then she said I wasnít. I guess she thought she was funny; I didn't. I went home after being checked out and no one told me about any counseling or anything I could have gone to. My mom told me to never tell anyone and not to talk about it ever again. I am 15 now and have a boyfriend I love very much. (It may seem silly still but I am much more mature and understand that I donít need a baby to make someone love me.) He knows about what happened and lets me talk to him about it. It helps me a lot to have someone to talk to.
I spent the last year with shrinks because of depression. My mom blamed it on my dad and his drinking, and whenever I mentioned the baby she would tell me to shut up (she still does). I have been on many different meds, none of which helped. Then I met my boyfriend and he thought if I talked about what happened it might help and it has. I am not on any meds now and I am "HAPPY" which I have not been able to say in a very long time.
I hope one day I will have a baby. I still cry sometimes when I think about what happened. I know it would have been a girl. I donít know how I know that I just know. If I found out I was pregnant tomorrow I would keep the baby, no question about it, and if I could change what happened I would. Someday I will have children and I will make sure that they know they can come to me if anything happens and I will NOT make the decision of what to do for them.
Thank you for listening to my story. I hope it has helped you in some way.
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Posted 8 Apr 2003.
Copyright 2003 by Pregnant Pause