Aborted Women: In Their Own Words

The only thing I will never do again

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I found out I was pregnant after school on May 10, 2006. I was alone, and I couldn't believe what the test was telling me. I never thought I would have to consider abortion. I always thought pregnancy for me would occur in my twenties when I was ready. I just remember falling to the floor and crying. I tried calling my boyfriend and he wasn't answering the phone like he said he would. I was in a panic. I started looking at baby names. I then started searching information on abortion. I couldn't make up my mind. I finally got a hold of my boyfriend and we talked. We decided not to tell anyone and that we should first consider abortion. I was so scared that if I confided in anyone else that they would be one sided and pressure me into what they thought was right. I wanted to just talk to someone that would look at both sides of the spectrum.

The next day we went to Planned Parenthood and I found out that I was 16 days. I had to go through a process through DSHS to get financial aid because I was afraid to tell my parents, even though I knew they would help me and be supportive no matter what my choice. I felt, though, that I got myself into this situation and had to make my own choices and not involve any one else. May 23, about a week or so before I was set for my abortion, my boyfriend got arrested and was in juvenile detention for 30 days. I couldn't wait for him to get out to make my final decision. We had no contact so we couldn't talk our decision through. I had to make up my mind on my own. I confided in my closest friends and they supported my decision.

I went in for my abortion on June 1, 2006. When my friends and I drove up to the clinic there were protesters outside. Seeing them standing with their signs, made me feel so ashamed and I realized that what I was going to do was a reality. I was considering the pill form of abortion, though changed my mind and decided otherwise. I chose to do vacuum aspiration. They had to do an sonogram and I asked to see what my baby looked like. I saw the print-out of the sonogram and I couldn't believe I had a life growing inside me. Those moments on that metal table were short but the most painful memories I will have in my life. I don't remember too much, just flashes because they shot some type of drug in my vein to ease the pain and help me not remember. I remember crying about my boyfriend not being there. I was so angry at him. I remember I tried rolling over on the table after they were done and trying to fall asleep. I was so drowsy, tired, and upset. When I came to, they helped me walk into a seperate room and sit until I felt well. It didn't hurt physically as much as I thought it would. It took some time for it to hit me emotionally. I guess I tried to push it aside and not think about what I had just done.

It has been 3 months and 19 days after my abortion. I go on ok. Though there are the nights that I have nightmares about it, the nights I feel like a murderer, the nights I cry myself into a sleep. The only thing in my life I will never be sure if I made the right choice, the only thing I have and will regret. The only thing I will never do again. My baby, I never gave you a chance, I'll never know you. Never see what you would become. I can not say for sure if I made the right choice or the wrong one. Though I made the choice I made and that is what I have to live with. I am still pro-choice, though it is an ugly truth. My boyfriend and I are still together. We worked through it all and we both have talked about the abortion. We both feel regret that we had to make such a decision, one I wish no one would have to face. Though we both agree, we'll never go through another abortion. If we get pregnant again, it was meant to be. I will not use abortion as a form of birth control and I hope others see it that way too. This is a serious choice, something that will change you, if you choose to have an abortion or not. But whatever choice you make, it is the right one.

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Posted 15 Oct 2006

Copyright 2006 by Pregnant Pause
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