Aborted Women: In Their Own Words

Fog is only beginning to lift

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I am going through menopause and some things are happening to open up old wounds. When I was 19 my fiance let me go through an abortion. I assumed he didn't want the baby because he said to get rid of it the last time my period was late. Luckily my period came that time. But this time it was for real. I gave him his last chance to keep the baby while we were in the clinic. There was a little girl in the waiting room. For God's sake, what was a little girl doing in an abortion clinic? They made it sooooo easy to get an abortion in the 70's. I just wanted to throw up. I asked him, well are you sure? but he told me to go through with it. After it was over the stupid nurse told me to tell my fiance it was a boy. Now that I think back how can they determine this? It was 11 wks. I am not sure if the baby's sex can be determined. Maybe she was just trying to get even with men. I somehow feel maybe it was punishment to him. But the truth is we were all guilty. I remember wanting to throw up again...

I remember him taking me to Nathans. I remember feeling empty, alone in my room feeling I wanted to take it back. I felt so alone. Now I had nothing of value. I felt worthless. No one could ever love me. I almost forgot about whats her name. (He was seeing some girl in college) I never did know her name. He only denied it. I never did know if he married her. I heard they broke up and he dated others but then my gut says I think he married her. I never really knew, but I think he did. We only stayed together 2 more years and then our fighting destroyed our relationship. It was very bitter, there was so much pain, it was unbearable. We felt we were better off apart.

In my recent dreams he loves me and he is trying to say "I am sorry". Well, it's too late now to go back and make my decision over again. I should have listened to my mother. My own mother wanted me to have the baby. Now that she is gone I want to thank her for supporting me. If I had the baby I might have found out the true meaning of love. My child would have been 33 today. What a comfort it would have been for me in my old age. Now that I can never have kids, I feel regret and a terrible loss. If I could only take it back. My brother's wife was mortified when I confided in her. She was very jealous. She wanted to be the first to have a baby and had bitter feelings towards me. She told me I was too young to have a baby. My fiance was seeing another girl while all this was going on. I got a phone call one morning, and it was some girl phoning me asking for my fiance. It broke my heart and cut me deep. After that I didn't want to have this man's child. He was repulsive to me. I hung up the phone and tossed my breakfast in the toilet. I was young, I didn't have any confidence in myself. When I told a friend of mine my situation she said to have the abortion. She pointed out all his bad faults and it hurt me deeply all over. Why did my baby have to suffer for everyone else's short comings? And now I don't have any children at all. It only gets worse. I kept meeting more men who didn't love me, they just wanted to make love. Anyone can do that. I am too ashamed to say I had 3 more abortions before I was 30. I just didn't know how to stop it. I just wanted to be loved. The last time was the worst. He was a young version of my fiance. I had to get a grip of my self. Now that I am older I can't believe I let this happen to me over and over again. I feel so ashamed and helpless. If I had only had the first baby, maybe my life would have had more meaning. If I could go back in time, I never would have gone through with it, regardless of the way my fiance acted. I just didn't know the love the baby could have offered me. A baby is such a precious gift, and now sadly, I will never know the love between mother and child. I have paid so dearly for all my sins, when will all the punishment stop. I do not know.

My brother divorced his wife. They had one daughter and she had to get married. I do not know where my fiance is. I haven't seen him since 1974. He got married before I did and he had 4 kids. I got married 10 years after him and my marriage has been rough. We didn't have any kids. I had been in therapy for 5 years. My husband and I are not intimate, yet he is a very kind and generous man. We are only beginning to discover real love for each other. The fog is only beginning to lift.

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Posted 4 May 2004.

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