Aborted Women: In Their Own Words

So Many Reasons

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I'd like to share this ... it's not so much a story as my feelings almost two years after my abortion. I hope you'll forgive the fact that I'm not ready to give my name, or share any details of my story. The whole thing is still very painful for me.

I've written this letter and rewritten it ... every time trying to come up with a way to tell my story where I'm getting my point across, while not droning on and on. I had so many reasons I fed myself to have the abortion, but I can't really find those reasons now.

Was I afraid to lose my boyfriend? Yes, I'm sure I was, but I lost him anyway, so did it help that I had the abortion? No.

Was I afraid to disappoint my family? Yes, but now instead of disappointing them in the short-term by giving the gift of life at the expense of some of my youth, I hold a terrible secret from them that, I'm sure would be a much larger disappointment.

Did I think I was doing the right thing? No, I honestly can't say I ever felt right about it. I feel dirty and I feel ashamed.

The thing I wonder now is, if abortion is such an okay thing, if we women with our huge "right to choose" are so morally acceptable, how come I hear so much shame from those of us who've actually had abortions? All the women out there screaming that it's our bodies and our choices ... how come I never hear "I had an abortion and it was the best decision I ever made?" All I know is that I'm so ashamed I've never been able to tell my family ... I rarely tell people I make friends with. I'm with a wonderful man now who is very understanding about it (although he is very pro-life, he is also very Christian and very forgiving and loving), but I still feel the need to apologize to him for it whenever I think about it.

I don't know why I felt the need to share this, I suppose I didn't really share much of anything except a few random thoughts. All I really want to say is that I wish I hadn't made the choice that so many people fight every day to let us women have. It's a terrible feeling. I'm filled with shame and remorse and work every day to find forgiveness. From reading the stories that prompted me to write this, I'd say I'm not the only one.

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Posted 3 Aug 2001.

Copyright 2001 by Pregnant Pause
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